March 20

Still feel like shit. again, today was great. We longboarded around warwick. Britt came, too. We met up with nikki olivier. Definitely a good match for beau. I hate seeing them kiss. Idk why. Actually, i do. It makes me feel useless. Britt deserves wayyy better than me. Im not funny, good looking, clever, or even helpful. Im just the guy with the van who lives in johnston. I hate who I am, and I hate where my life is. I need to get to Arizona as fast as humanly possible. With or without britt. I love her, but unless i know 100% that if i stay, we can someday get married, i cant wait. On top of everything, i wanted to cut again today. The whole ""bisexual"""""" thing. I hate that shit. Its so gross. It kept being brought up today. Idrc, normally, until im home and have way too much time with my thoughts. It grosses me the fuck out. Maybe cause of Sam? And Korissa. And especialy Becca. Idk. I literally hate that about Britt. Id never tell her though. I know shes heart set on it for some reason. I wish she wasnt. Times like this, i miss halie. Just cause she knew what she wanted. She had her life together. The whole bisexuality thing is a sign of weakness. Its a telltale sign of a divorse in the family or major family problems. It always is. I really hope this doesnt split us apart, but i feel like its going to :/ i dont want to let the same thing happen here, that happened with me n becca. Or even izzy. Longboarding helps. The nice weather helps. Britt helps sometimes. Beau helps every day. Arizona would help more......

-2

I feel like shit. I dont even know why. My leg hurts. Too much longboarding. Ive been having a great time doing that though. I have some great friends. Jon isnt the same he was, but who knows. Maybe he'll come back. Britt gets at me sometimes, but shes the best there is. She doesnt know how much i love her. I know i treat her like shit but iidk how else to go about it. I treated becca like a god, and look how that turned out. Whatever. I havent cut since i promised her i wouldnt. I dont even drink or smoke anymore. No xanax, or vicadin either. Just alot of ibuprophen and naproxen. I just feel like shit.

March 6, 2012

Today sucked. It was fun, but for some reason I feel distressed. I took 17 ibu's. I sure do miss the taste of the stronger pk's.
I miss my older friends. Even Halie. I would never be with her again. But there was alot that was left unsaid. I tried texting her a few weeks ago. Idk if she got it, cause she didnt respond.
She blocked me on twitter, too. Idk. i just want my old life back.

How to Breath - by Jake Hunter

How to Breath

Constrictive bleeding. I see your future. A lesson he never learned, you wanna mess with me? I can show you first hand, how your body used to breath. Its a miracle. Its grand. The back of my hand. Ill wind up, youll go down, Ill split you open, your veins Ill stitch half closed.
I bet you forget, the days you tried. The days you tried. Horrible attempt at success. Its hard to believe, you ever even gave a shit. You're such a mess. I prayed you would leave. I wanted to swat you. Bitch. Get hit.
You stand all confident, like a truck wont demolish you. All these days Ive spent, concealing what youve done to me.
Get a fucking clue.
Are you serious? Is he kidding? Are you on fucking speed? You dont even know what you do? C'mere jackass, Ill show you.

Dec 22, 2011
By Jake Hunter

"Trade Up" by Jacob Hunter

Trade Up


+ Screams (CTone Clean, MidRange, Growls, Doomsday DeathGrowls, etc)
* Singing


+ I can’t. Let go. Of the thought of what I meant to you. I can’t. Let go. Of what I said to you.
Oh God. My God, I can’t. See what’s in front of me. Oh God. My God, I can’t believe…

Chorus - * I stand, for everything... I believe, in everything…. I need, everything…, that you are. And baby, you are…

+ This is me, baby. This is me… I can’t. I can’t. Change what who I am inside, I can’t. I can’t. Let go, of you, my bride… Be with me, or I will be *forever empty. +Cause I know, and you know, that baby *+you mean everything…

-Chorus-

+* Please don’t give up on me. Please don’t give up on this, on us. *I’ll let you tear me apart. +If you need someone, to breath with you. If you need someone, to cry with you. If you need, someone to live, with you. I’m here. *Oh baby, *+Oh baby, I’m here. *For you. Just tell me what to do.


Lyrics by Jacob Hunter aka Nela Shalava
Written October 28, 2010

"Good to Know" by Jacob Hunter

Good to Know


It was great to know. Thanks for those wonderful days. Great while it lasted, but as the sky fades, the world grows a darker shade of grey. The people I loved, slowly dissipating, as the last remnant of light, shows his darker side. The sparks and the flames, that sent us so high, way back in the day, are diminished now, and wasted away. Shattered glass in the plaster. A tombstone rests on the foundations of what we set. To know that all will be gone, to know that there is a lingering debt. Is there really a reason for hoping, when all has gone astray, we cry, we plead, and we pray. For God to take away our pain. Listless is the will of those who remain, and endless lies the list of fears clouding the minds of the tormented. This is an unthinkable fate, yet little do we know we’re on the train downhill. No joy, no pleasure, no glee. Spread it, there’s a party on the front door of misery.


Lyrics by Jacob Hunter aka Nela Shalava
Written October 28, 2010

"Prophesy" by Jacob Hunter

Prophesy


+Screamo


This is not our time
And this cannot be right
So this is how it ends
One unnecessary fight

Am I in need
Or am I just crazy
Am I in need
Or are we not meant to be

Somehow I knew this would happen
Somehow I fell asleep
Somehow I touched your lips
In my dreams…

+Is it normal to feel this cold
+Is it all my fault
+Are you here in my (eyes)
+Are you just smoldering coal

Run faster than I could be me
Run away from all you can see
I was here but now I’m not
I tried so hard to be…

It’s the prophesy of us
The fallen angel wept
And all I see is me
And I’m here just whispering

I wish I could just die
I wish I could just fall away
From you and me
But I can’t make you stay

Do I need you now
I think I’m over us
I think I’m over you
Drowned by my own love that poured from my insides

Music is my life
And so it goes on playing
Hear this song and hate…
A living sad disgrace

Do I need a someone
Do I need a friend
Do I need you anymore
I say I do ‘til the end


Lyrics by Jacob Hunter aka Nela Shalava
Written 2007